Hail to the Chief

As you read today's blog I want you to imagine "Hail to the Chief" playing in the background.  (If you're not familiar with the song, it's that catchy tune that they play every time the President walks into the room.)  In this time of Presidential debates and everyone promising the moon to get a vote....what's really going on?  Well, if you can remember back to 1988, George Bush (Sr.) said, "Read my lips....NO MORE TAXES!"....only to raise taxes in 1990.  If you have watched any of the recent debates or read the paper, Michele Bachmann is going to get gas prices down to $2 a gallon.  So HOW is she going to do this?  Is she sleeping with some middle east leader or something?  OF COURSE she's NOT.  "SHE" is a moral upstanding member of the community.  After all, she and her husband can make Gays go straight.  REALLY?  These are the crazies that we have running to be the President of our Country?  It's been proven that they lie....watch the George Bush "you Tube" on "Read My Lips."  It's there...on video for the world to see.  SO, you can say anything you want to become President.  So I was thinking....what if "I" ran for President?  I have gone over this a thousand times in my head and tried to decide what my promises would be.  One difference is that "My" promises would become a reality.  So maybe they're not as dramatic as "NO MORE TAXES", but does that really count...since it never came true?  And maybe it won't save you a ton of money with "$2 for a gallon of gasoline", but does that count, either, as it hasn't and probably won't come true?  Let's think about promises that are a little more realistic.  One thing that REALLY grosses me out is when I see someone on the street spitting.  Yeah, you heard me "spitting".  It's not just men anymore...lots of women are doing it these days too. I don't get it.  You can't spit in a Kleenex or go to the bathroom and spit in the toilet?  Nope...just right there on the street for the world to see.  Well, when I become President, should someone decide to spit in public....everyone that witnesses the "grossness" of what that is will have the opportunity to spit in a cup and watch the offender drink the cup of spit.  Yep, you heard me...kinda like an eye for an eye.  You wanna be gross and spit, then you can drink some spit.  Smokers.  I know you won't all like this, because some of you are smokers (yes Sunday, I'm talking about YOU!  SHOUT OUT TO SUNDAY!!!  Hey Girl!!!)...ok, so some of you are smokers, but you need to quit.  When "I'm" President, there will be NO MORE smoking in public.  There will be phone booths...similar to those when I was a kid...that you actually made a phone call in...but now, smokers will go into the small cylinder to smoke....DOOR CLOSED, of course.  While smoking in your car, you will have to keep the windows shut at all times and butts will be put out in the ashtray in your car.  I never really understand why smokers crack the window open and then throw the butts out the window.  If you like the smell so much, trap it in there with you!  And don't throw your butts out the window and pollute my land, put it out in your ashtray and savor it.  Whenever I am out and about and I see someone throw a cigarette butt out the window, I just want to pick it up and throw it back in their car and say, "Ooops, you dropped something...here it is."  Harsh?  NO.  And oxygen tanks.  New President Constantinides rule....if you were ever a smoker, and now you have emphysema...sorry, no oxygen tank for you.  You were warned! Do you think the Surgeon General just puts those warnings on the packages for the fun of it!  There's nothing like going to one of those "low rent" casinos....like the ones in Louisiana (remember that Evan?  "It's the Isle of Capri Casino...the Isle of Capri Casino....") and what do you see?  Old women playing the slots, on an oxygen tank and SMOKING!  Lord, let's just blow the place to bits while you're at it!  So what else?  Well, since ALL Presidential promises don't have to come true....how about....Never having to work on your Birthday.  Fast food will be FAST.  ALL customer service reps will be located in the US and speak ENGLISH, and not be located in India and tell you that their name is "Sam" when you really know it's "Siddhartha".  People without children will NOT pay school taxes!  Water is Free...Lord, 3/4 of the earth is covered with it!  Our First Ladies will be glamorous...no more of these "First Ladies with a Cause"....work out, shop and look great!  Police officers will NO LONGER allowed to be fat pigs...period.  Miss America will be just that...Miss America....no more Miss "black" America, Miss "hispanic" America...if you live in America, you will all participate in the SAME contest! (imagine the riots if there was a Miss "white" America) No more Country Club living for prisoners.  If you are guilty of a crime, you will lose all rights...and you will not be able to take the easy way out with the death penalty...that will be going away...we will NO longer play God.  We will make prisoners work!  We will no longer test make-up and medicine on animals, we will test on prisoners!  Why torture innocent animals when we have people that have chosen to give up their rights?  And no TV and books and luxury...you will live in a small cell and work for free...sorry prisoners.  Need to test a new vaccination?  Infect prisoners, then test the cure.  Teachers will make more money...if they are shaping the minds of the future...then why are they paid like peons?  Sports figures will play for little if no money..come on, you're "playing a game".  Really?  We have sports figures making more money than heart surgeons?  NOT ANY MORE.  Women will no longer drive...JUST KIDDING...wanted to make sure that you were still reading!!!  LOL!!!  (although women will no longer be allowed to drive HUGE monster suburbans....it's for everyone's good)  I could go on for days...but that is just the beginning of my list of campaign promises for when "I" run for President.  Hmmmmm....maybe a "write-in" candidate?