So, there are some things in this world that have a real stigma attached to them....point in question....shit. I mean, it's not the prettiest topic, but it's a natural body function...there's not much you can do about it...it happens..thus the common phrase..."Shit Happens". So I'm running around the house today, trying to get some things done before the long weekend and I realize that I need something from the bedroom closet. I run upstairs open the bedroom door (you have to walk through the bedroom, through the bathroom to get to the closet) open the bathroom door....and there's Jeff...sitting on the throne. Before I can say one word....JEFF: ANDREW!!!! ME: What? JEFF: I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM!!! ME: OK. How did I know? JEFF: WELL THE DOOR WAS CLOSED!!! I mean, come on...if you're that worried...lock the door (granted I would stand there and knock and bug you, but lock it). If I need something out of the closet, I have to go through the bathroom, big deal...right? It's not like I plotted and waited until I knew he was there? It's not something that I want to purposely walk in on...not something that I want to capture the essence of, bottle and sell it....it's just not a big deal. So then I started thinking....maybe it is a bigger deal than I thought. So I started thinking to see if there is a common thread of when it IS a big deal and when it's NOT.
If you mention the topic of pooping to my married straight friends, the husband pretty much states that his wife doesn't poop (Sorry Andrew and Jill, your secret is out)...I mean...Andrew poops (Jill's husband, not me talking about myself in the third person) but Jill doesn't...weird. And believe me, I know first hand because I have been on vacation with them and he pretty much prides himself on it...to the level that I think that there might be some kind of "straight men's" award that the more you tell everyone about it and worse it smells, the more of a man you are and some "OZ-like" entity sends you an award in the mail!!!! OK, so I digress....so far the findings appear to be that straight married women don't poop - check, straight men (married or single) can poop, and want to make sure everyone knows about it and smells it - check. SO, is it a gay thing? OMG, I hate to even go there because my friend Tina will call me a self-loather, but maybe it is. I mean, when I think about myself, I don't care if my friends know, or my family knows, but in public.....If I go to a public bathroom and have to go...well have to go #2... first, I cannot enter the stall if someone else is in the bathroom. I will pretend to pee at the urinal and wait for the bathroom to clear out and then run in the stall. Now, once I get in the stall...it's crucial to keep your feet close to the toilet...you know that everyone is looking or trying to look at your shoes and they will be able to identify you once you're out of the restroom (I know, because I do it all the time). Once I finish...can't leave the stall until the bathroom is cleared out. A bit annoying in a busy bathroom waiting for the break of people coming in and out...but you gotta wait. I mean here I am saying it's a normal bodily function and that everyone does it and that it's no big deal...and I'm making a big deal about it.
So, all in all, it seems to go like this....
1. Women don't poop (especially if they're married)
2. Straight men (married or single) poop and are LOUD and proud about it and anything that comes with it.
3. Jeff poops, but doesn't want me to know that he does and DOES NOT appreciate it if you walk in on him in action.
4. Most gay men would probably tell you that they don't poop. I'm thinking that it's probably where the origin of the phrase "My shit don't stink" started....because if they DO poop...you know it's nice.
5. Me....i'll admit it, I poop....just never in public, and if I do, you'll be hard pressed to prove it!
So while I'm rating things, I just remembered something that always makes me laugh...has nothing to do with poop, but rather takes into consideration rating the sexes....Went to a batting cage one time with Tina (not related, but really like a sister to me...have known her since I was 20 mos. old) and her husband when they first got married. Why? Good question. Probably just to prove that there was something that I wasn't good at. The overall ranking for batting cage participants from best to worst....
1. Lesbians
2. Straight men
3. Straight women
4. Gays
It just always makes me laugh...but it's so true!!!!!
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