East vs West

So today's blog is not to be confused with the Jets vs the Sharks...two teenage street gangs of different ethnic backgrounds in West Side Story, but rather of two different cultures from different backgrounds.  So, in West Side Story the groups were from different social classes...in MY East vs West, they are as well!  So what are we talking about?  Guesses?  Bodily functions.  Yep...you heard me....bodily functions.  (So, Eileen, this is your key to STOP reading...as this will probably be TMI for you!)  So some people might say that you cannot compare the East to the West, as the cultures are SO different.  But are they?  Come on....people are people.  If you take India for example...they have some of the RICHEST and some of the POOREST people in the world. It's a total class system, but their regard to bodily functions are the same.  Granted if you saw Slumdog Millionaire you can see the classes and assume that not ALL of the population lives in "Slums" and poop in communal "open air" toilets.....but both the rich and the poor use their left hand to WIPE...exclusively.   If you read about Indian Etiquette, you are never to eat food or pass objects with your left hand.  Even though, I'm sure, they wash their hands after the wiping function...it's taboo!  I guess in our culture it would be really weird, as you usually use the hand of which you are proned...I think?  I would assume that if you are "right handed" that you would use your right hand, and similarly if you are left handed.  Hmmm....although if you drive a stick shift, you always use your right hand, regardless....hmmmm.....does everyone in the West wipe with their right hand?  Maybe there IS another cultural difference....and if so, I would be up a creek.  Don't think I would do so well to EXCLUSIVELY have to always eat with my left hand...since I use the right one to "you know what."  So that's one difference in East vs West regarding bodily function.  OK, so that example is extreme and REALLY has nothing to do with what I was originally thinking about....yes, bodily functions, but I was thinking about burping and....and you know...."excuse me, excuse me from the bottom of my heart.  if it came out the other end it would have been a FART."  So weird...fart is....is like a bad word.  Most men either do not believe or are not willing to admit that their wives or girlfriends fart.  REALLY?  Oh yeah, a significant amount of gay men are the same way....LORD.  Guess that's ONE gay stereotype that I don't fit into.  Come on...be honest....OK, maybe you're a prude and never fart in front of anyone...or admit that you actually fart, but.....when you're alone.....you do it and it feels good.  It's natural!  OK, I am going to be straight up with you and inform you that I am about to go off on a tangent.  Natural.  Farting and burping is natural.  That DOES NOT mean that you should just do it anywhere....and if you do (like accidentally burping  on a conference call when you're NOT on mute...LOL...you know who you are) you shouldn't pretend you didn't do it....blame it on the dog...or pretend you smelled it first (my personal favorite) and blame it on others around you...you need to excuse yourself.  I mention this as breast feeding women in a restaurant FREAK MY SHIT OUT.  If you say something, they say...."It's natural."  OK, well so is peeing, so I'm just gonna pee at the table...OK?  So I tread lightly on the "natural" thing, but come on ....everyone farts and burps.  In India, it's a compliment to burp after a meal (FINALLY, my original point).  Now that might be a little TOO much for me.  I mean...when you're at home...or with your friends....GO FOR IT!  But, if there is ONE person that you do not know VERY WELL....please, and I'm begging you...REFRAIN.  I have been out and some guy has let out a HUGE belch....gross.  Unless you KNOW me....not in front of me.  I do have a few friends....not exclusively men...that love bodily functions.  Probably why we're such good friends.  It is actually our goal in life to wait until we are in the car (me driving so that I have control of the door and window locks) or in a closed elevator to fart.  There is nothing more fun!  As I get older, my favorite thing about going to a bar is that you can fart whenever you want to, and NO ONE can hear where it came from.  Then, once you smell it, you go..."Gross...some pig just farted.  What's wrong with people?"  OR, you can burp and then blow it into the person's face next to you...please make sure you know them!  See, they can't hear it, but, believe me...once they smell it....you'll know.  LOL!!!  So, it's these things that make me wish that back in 2001, when I was a consultant and about to take a job in Bombay, that I actual had...or had the opportunity to.  I was all set to go, then 9/11 happened.  Once it did, all overseas consulting...at least for the company that "I" worked for came to an end.  Maybe that would have been my opportunity to get it out of my system...to be able to burp and fart and be praised for it....whenever I chose.  We'll never know.  So for now....I will just be an aspiring "Tony" (from West Side Story and not my Dallas friend Tony) and wonder what could have been......ho hum.....